My friends, they love my intelligence
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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