Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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