It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
