there's paper in my vomit.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
