A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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