I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
