eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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