I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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