he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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