She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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