why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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