I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
