I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
