i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
