i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
