I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
One girl and one boy is just not enough.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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