I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
