im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
