This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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