I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
