Betty ford says i'm here all night
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
