My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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