He uses pillows to masturbate.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
