He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
