He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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