How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
