he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
