Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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