i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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