Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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