Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
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