Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
