Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
