this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
