I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
