Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
A+ Viking dick
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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