I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
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