Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
