just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
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