Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
My balls are so social today.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
