I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
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