Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
