People in love make me want to vomit
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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