Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Randomize