I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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