yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
