Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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