I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I wear drunk well.
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