Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
