I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
