you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
