In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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