At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
