So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
