My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
