Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Randomize
