If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize