The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Too much gin, very little bucket
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
My vagina is officially offended.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
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