The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
